‘I will never leave you’, ‘I will never leave you’, ‘I will never leave you’.
I breathed this promise like fresh breath. I stare into the mirror and breathe truth again, ‘God is with me and I will not be afraid’.
‘I will not be put to shame. Instead of my shame, I will have a double portion. My God is for me. My God loves me.’ I sigh and look at my reflection in the mirror. ‘God, please don’t leave me.’
‘I’m tired. Please don’t leave me. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t..I can’t…’ As I choke back my tears and my breaths become heavy, I whisper one last time, ‘God loves me.‘
‘Where are you, God? Don’t you love me? Why are you not helping me? I’m tired, don’t you see me? Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me? Don’t you love me….’ A verse floats to mind, ‘Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you…Before you were born, I set you apart’.
‘I trust you’, ‘I trust you’, ‘I trust you..’
‘Please don’t leave me.’ The tears flow freely, my head is heavy. ‘God sees me‘ I whisper but fight to believe.
‘My God is good. I know you’re good. He is good. He is good. He is good…‘ I breathe again. A daily ritual now. I don’t know how long will it be till this heaviness will lift. I’m tired…I remember the promise ‘I’m transforming you from insect to iron, from worm to harrow’.
I’m tired of fighting…I want to unplug the lamp. I don’t want this anymore. This is killing me. ‘God is within her, she will not fail’, I recall as I sit down.
I turn around in my bed, the voice of failure and doom cover me as I try to sleep. Why is God not helping me?
‘I will never leave you, I will never forsake you.‘ I repeat the promise I repeat everyday. I close my eyes. God is for me. God is with me. God loves me.
I drift off to sleep on a tear stained pillow. The best is yet to come. God is good.
Did you expect another ending? So did I. But as each day passes, I’m beginning to learn that God isn’t finished with my story. He is still working on me. I do not feel Him nor can I see Him but I know He is writing a story that will bring Him glory. Until then, I will keep repeating, ‘My God is with me, for me, behind me, beside me…’. And friend, if your story sounds anything like this, remember your story is still being written. And I’ve got a huge hunch that our stories end really well.
But in the day that I’m afraid, I lay all my fears before you
and trust in you with all my heart. What harm could a man bring to me?
With God on my side I will not be afraid of what comes. Ps 56:3-5
Do not yield to fear, for I am always near. Never turn your gaze from me, for I am your faithful God. I will infuse you with my strength
and help you in every situation. I will hold you firmly with my victorious right hand. Is 41: 10
I am Yahweh, your mighty God!
I grip your right hand and won’t let you go!
I whisper to you:
‘Don’t be afraid; I am here to help you!’